How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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