Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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