My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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