Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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