If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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