she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
