Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
