Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
