I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
