Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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