I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
whose ass print is on the piano?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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