bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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