My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
