dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
