Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
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Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
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I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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