i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
High School Students Hilariously Rank Celebrities By Their Stank For Class Project
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
15 Things You Truly Understand If You Sleep Next To Someone Who Snores Like A Rhinoceros Every Night
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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