he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
