dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
