We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
