I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
