hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
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First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
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I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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