that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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