I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
