You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
