why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
