Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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