I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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