Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
