overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
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I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
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I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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