im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
