Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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