i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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