Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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