uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
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The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
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I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
We were destined to go to rehab together
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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