you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
