My friends, they love my intelligence
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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