just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
