All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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