I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
this is an emotional support booty call
Randomize
