Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
