It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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