Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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