Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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