The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
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Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
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Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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