is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
