I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
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There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
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I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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