If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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