I accidentally had phone sex last night
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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