we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
