I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
