does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
