i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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