Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
