Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
